Mudahnya air mata nih mengalir

Syukur ku panjatkan iman almost completes all treatment, arini ada msk darah, smlm platelet.. everyday ada injection.. dan biasanya hari ke-6 after transplant ada 1 ubat kemo. Alhamdulillah semua ok. Dan harini white cell dia 0.0. Langsung x ada askar utk melawan penyakit. Paling rendah. Selalu (the 1st 3 cycles) the lowest is 0.1. Tak jauh beza sangat pun kan sebenarnya, dan based on records, his imun will increase starting day 8, which will be this saturday. X sabar rasanya menunggu.

Separuh beban hati nih dah kurang bila iman dah almost complete his kemo cycle. Tapi anak no. 2 saya pulak yang tgh sedih2, meraung sbb rindu yg teramat dkt ibu dan of cos sgt nak jumpa abang dia iman.. Abnag yang jadi teman bercakap, bermain.. tido sama2.. I have to leave them dgn my sister sbb saya ada masalah dgn maid yg baru. Malam2 dia menangis teresak2 rindu kat kami..  dah 10 hari kami x jumpa. Terpaksa sbb iman lebih memerlukan saya di hospital. Husband busy with his works even during weekend.

Adik tunggu depan pintu seperti menunggu kepulangan kami. And when i called him yesterday, memang dia meraung sekuat hati. Hati ibu mana yang boleh tahan x dpt peluk anak and console him.

He only stop crying lepas i make a promise that i'll be back in 2 days. If my new maid arrives lar. Harap sgt dapat maid secepat mungkin. Senang sikit nak ulang alik kalau dok umah sendiri. Berdoa moga semuanya as plan.

Rasa x kuat sgt.. i keluar dari bilik (nasib baik husband dah balik dr opis) dan meraung sekuat hati kat lobby hospital.. terima kasih kawan2 yg mendoakan semua urusan saya dipermudahkan, dan memberikan kata2 semangat. Cuma dapat bertasbih pada -Mu ya Allah.. moga dgn ini,  gelisah hati ku ini dapat dikurangkan.

This week i got to know this blog http://miera301.blogspot.com/2011/07/update-norma.html specially dedicated for her sis in law Norma who has similar cancer as iman. Resection dan buat, radio pun sudah half way. Sungguh hebat dugaan yang ditimpakan ke atas norma sekeluarga. Baby norma baru 2 bln masa she was diagnose with brain cancer, stage 4. Air mata nih x berhenti mengalir bila memikir beratnya dugaan mereka. Mohon war2kan pd yang lain dan bantulah norma semampunya, moga dgn bantuan kalian dapat meringankan beban mereka dan moga Allah meringankan beban kita pula nanti sama ada di dunia atau di akhirat.

read more

Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah, i am offerred a job. It's really a good offer considering the fact that i'm not working now, they are willing to wait until my son's treatment completes. In fact they agree to extend the commencement date after raya i.e. in September. The perks are really good. I mean they are offering almost 30% from my previous salary. But now with what happened, salary is not my main concern.

What i'm looking for is flexibility for my family especially after what we had gone through. I dont want to be drift away from my family. There are so much things to do, so much lacking in my life.  

Alhamdulillah although we learnt the hard way, we are given this opportunity, Allah still loves us and give us another chance.

I'm still looking for better opportunity. I havent make up my mind. May Allah give me guidance to the best interest of my family.

read more

Berkampung di wad

Dah dkt 10 hari kami berkampung di hospital for iman final cycle of transplant. Chemo dah settle, infusion of stem cell pun dah sudah.. so skrg masih menunggu imun dan platelet dia kembali normal. As of today platelet dia 0.5 (normal 4.0) dan platelet 13 (normal 150).

As usual, we have to wait at least 2 weeks before everything goes back normal. Perkiraan kami before ramadhan bermula iman boleh discaj, itupun kalau exactly 2 weeks dah baik. Memang berdoa dapat sambut ramadhan di rumah, dgn anak2,, sebagai sebuah family yg sempurna. Dah lama sgt rasanya kami berjauhan. Anak2 kat kampung pun asyik x sihat, ubat2 pun katanya dah habis.. perasaan rindu pada adik dan fahmi memang x boleh cerita.. rindu dgn keletah adik, dan fahmi jgn lar sampai putus susu ibu pulak ye. Ibu dah buat byk bekal kat spital nih..

Iman pun x mengamuk bile nak di beri injection, sbb saya dah janji bila ramadhan kita balik umah, kita boleh beli bunga api byk2.. nampaknya sangatlar berkesan.. dia x menangis langsung.. dia kata dia dah kuat sbb dia nak balik cepat.. rindu kat adik2,, nak main bunga api sama2 kat kampung. dan terus bergenang air mata dia.. dia jadi lebih sensitif sekarang nih, bukan sikit.. memang sgt sensitif.. bila kekadang dgr dia berdoa,, dia sembunyikan air mata dia,,  dia menyorok dia bawah selimut. Moga dia jadi anak yg lebih tabah.

Iman demam masa awal2 kemo tuh,, he is still on antibiotik,, plus doktor dah bagi satu ubat anti fungus.. satu botol tu harganya $4k.. utk elak jangkitan.. mak ai, mahal benor, alhamdulillah lar dia dah x demam.. bahaya gak kalau demam nih kan especially bile imun bdn dia zero.

Nih dia baru mengadu dgr ringing dkt telinga dia sblh kanan,, makin worse ke? x sabar nak suh dia buat hearing test. Tunggu apa kata doktor esok.

read more

Maid o maid

Dah kali ke-5 kami bertukar maid, 4 dari ke kemboja dan yg baru nih from indonesia. Semua x serasi dgn kami and anak2, yg last nih because dia ada masalah kesihatan.. but we only knew it until the very last day of sending my old maid back to indonesia.

Kami terpaksa menghantar budak2 ke kampung (di jaga oleh ksal - my eldest sister), luckily my mum and my other sister also live nearby, at least faris dan fahmi x rasa sangat ditinggalkan selama 3 minggu tanpa ibu dan ayah. We set our priority, iman is our priority. kadang ada jugak penah bibik lama cerita yg adik mengadu x ada orang jaga adik, x ada orang sayang adik.. memang kesian nak tinggalkan derang tapi what choice do we have.

I really trust my elder sister can take care of my kids, better than me i think, she single handedly managed her kids of 4 without any maid,  her kids are also obidient too. I think she is such an extraordinary person cos she really loves to help people, anybody especially her siblings, she is vocal and has lots of ideas, definitely someone to talk to if you're in trouble. I call ksal and apparently both of my kids are doing fine at her home. Fahmi cried at first but eventually he's ok. We had less to worry then.

So we are now back in the hospital, hope iman okay for this last cycle.

read more

MRI experience

Semalam iman ada MRI, this is his 5th. Biasa 4-5 hrs before the procedure, memang dia kena berpuasa,, since dia ada hearing test, eco and ecg prior to mri so the whole day his schedule was really occupied, he was not so cranky not being able to eat..

This time iman refused to take sedative, so we thought why not we try without it, lagipun the perious mri, sedatives given wasnt really work on him,, he couldnt sleep during the whole proces.

 (courtesy from sleepandneurology@blogspot.com)

Definitely he was uncomfortable of being alone inside the hole altho i was sitting besides him,  with that loud noise he become so scared, but still he didnt scream,, but i could see clearly his tears running.. i'm so lucky, he is such a strong boy,, he had the courage to be in that machine,  the machine which can identify the state of his brain and spine.. am i not grateful?? yes indeed i am so lucky to be given this very strong boy in my life, the boy chosen by Allah to have brain cancer.. Seeing him so afraid really breaks my heart cos i cant help him go through that process. I could only holds his legs, just to comfort him but it didnt help that much.

Through out the procedure, my heart keep pounding quickly anxious to know the outcome of the mri, Alhamdulillah everything seems ok, but we still need to wait for the actual result this monday of which he needs to be warded for his final cycle. Hope, really hope he wont feel so much pain for this last cycle.

read more

Breakdown

Last nite, I bring faris to meet doctor for a check up cos he keeps complaining of stomach pain.  The doctor said his tummy contained so many air, so the doctor gave him some med to reduce the pain.

Then the doctor asked how am I doing dealing with iman’s condition? How about my husband? I said my husband coping it very well compared to me.  It is very tough, but I am a lot better than during the earlier diagnosis.  The doctor said that I looked different, he can tell by looking at my face. I said this incident changed me.  He said I look calmer and stronger than before. This doctor is just like our family doctor. His clinic is located like 500 meter from our house. He knows all our family member including my maid.. hehe..

Now I become more cautious if my sons get sick. I have this feeling, anxiety that my other sons also having similar disease. All those worrying thoughts.  If only I can make it go away.  The doctor advises me to stop thinking negative, the worse thing in your life had already happened, life couldn’t get worse than that. He said I must be strong,, if my son can really deal with it, I as his guardian should be stronger, for his sake. He said brain cancer is not happen due to genetically reason. 

My tears finally breaks free, I said dealing with surrounding people who sometimes don’t really understand what we're dealing is the hardest part. It’s really tough..But I have to go through it. I told the doctor there were people who  told me that the radiotherapy will shrink his brain. How am I supposed to react to that? He’s my son, of course whatever I do is the best for him.  Getting the news that your son is having cancer from the doctor is our worst nightmare , but yet people dare to speak that harsh word to me. Just to drag us futher down. Of course I didn’t response to that, i silent my tongue cos I don’t want to hurt anyone.  Thank s doctor cos you willing to hear my voice this very nite.

I ignored negatives thoughts from others, they can say what they want but it won’t shakes me,, not now. I have to pick and choose friends even my own relatives who really do understand,  somehow  I really not in the mood to meet people cos I don’t want to be influenced negatively by them.  For my friends and relatives who really understand, thank you so much..  I certainly love u all.

By the way Iman was discharged exactly 14 days after transplant of stem cell. It’s quite fast. Which is good cos I really miss adik and fahmi. Iman is doing really well the doctor said.  Ibu and everyone else who loves iman will continue our prayers for your full recovery ok.

As for me I’m waiting for a good news to pop out, insyaallah.. Hope everything on my side, Amin.

read more